Blog

3/31/16

I feel I have turned a corner. I am still on a path that might be long, but I think that I have reached a bend where I can no longer look strait back and into the eyes of the past. When I look back I see it pace back and forth lost looking to be on my heels again. I can smell it as the wind changes from time to time reminding me to stay strong to not give up. For if I do; if I let catch up it will devour not only all the stuff I have done to keep it at bay, but myself completely as well.

This corner is also a bit unnerving, as I see another up ahead too. I see the path has many twist and turns. Some lead to bright meadows, other dark forest, and yet others are next to raging rivers and some seem to wind and flow along patches of a creek that bubbles over with cheer. Right now I can’t see the forks that will lead me to the, “right path”. I feel it deep in my gut. I am on the in between part of the path, the part where all I can do is put one tired foot in front of the other and be thankful that the darkness of the past is begining to fade, and yet not quite close enough to be able to see what is around the next bend.

If I give up the past will swallow me up. If I freeze in place and don’t keep trying I will never know the possibilities. All I can do is hope and walk and truge through this in between time. The time after the seedling breaks the crust and when the first blooms form. This is an important time. It builds me and gets me ready to grow the blooms…. but it is also a hard time. Maybe harder than the past and what forges the future. In some ways I will look back and feel like it was a flash in the pan. But, for now it feels like forever.

I am no God, I carry no magic wand, I am just me. Alone and not quite lost, but not quite found…. I will shut my eyes and try to be proud of the past and how hard it was and bear the badge of scars with pride. I will also imagine and long for the future and fill it with hope and the best of results. The power of three and positive thought is strong, but it has to start here and now and carry on today, tomorrow, next week for how long this stretch of path takes before the next bend.

Driver Ed.. lost cell phone… and expired buss pass

Today I had the car in the shop. 2300.00 later I have working heat, AC and the blower is not stuck on just high or off! Work was fun. I had students who need paperwork completed quickly and the student has a very complicated case to manage. So I am happy because I feel like this is what I went to school for. I am the change I wanted to see in the educational system one student at a time and with this student I know I will make change.

So on the way to the car repair shop my oldest son Dennis sends me an e-mail. This is odd, he usually text, or calls me. He asks that I come pick him up and with several short messages back and forth it comes to light that he had left his cell phone on the school buss that had dropped him off at the local community college he attends, and was going to be late to driver ed class because the buss pass he has for the city buss was expired. I dash into the car repair shop, pay for the repairs and then drive over to the community college to get Dennis.

As I drive up I can see his stress roll off him and flow in a large circle all around him. He is worried about his cell phone, and not being able to continue with the driver ed class. After he entered the car I let him vent about his day for a bit. He talks about how he left his cell on the school buss and how if he missed even one driver ed class the program rules say he will be kicked out. I tried to calm him down and drove to the buss barn to see if there was a way he could look on the buss to get his phone back.

The buss barn was still open and he did get his phone back! Then I drove him to the driver ed class to see if we spoke with the teacher and explained the situation if an exception could be made. Dennis argued with me and said that the teacher was not even going to answer the door when I come. He told me stories of students who had knocked and knocked and cried outside the door and the teacher did not let them in. I practily had to drag him from the car to the class and when the teacher did open the door for me he was physically shocked and I could see it on his face. I walked up to the teacher and asked for him to be able to attend the remainder of the class and he said that would be ok. Dennis then sat down and completed the class.

Once the class was over we stayed behind and spoke with the teacher about the program and about our day and why we were late. The man was very kind and is going to allow Dennis to continue with the program. Dennis being a typical teenager walked a few paces in front of me to the car and did say that it was nice to still be in the program but I could tell he was processing what all had just happened.

I hope over the next few days he thinks back on the event and learns an important lesson. Rules are important and should be followed, but sometimes they need to bend and be flexible. Life isn’t always going to go your way. You might have set backs, but if you don’t ask for a second chance or offer a solution to a problem then the answer will always be no. If you do your best and try then sometimes the luck will go your way. I feel proud to be his mom today. I know I set an important example for him.

 

Life isn’t going to just give you what you want; you have to go out of your way to make it happen. Sometimes you will be told no, and other times you will expect a no and get a yes instead. The important part is that you never give up; because that is just like telling yourself that no is the only option.

So that was my day!

We also tried a new restaurant

. They sell wings and it was expensive. We don’t plan to go back, but I felt like trying something new. The above picture is of Dennis and the cheese soup he loves. Something he also was not wanting to try and once he did found he loved. Maybe I will remind him of the soup next time he gets like this.

 

 

 

Exercise… yes I can do this….

So I am in a twelve step program for relationships and part of this program says to add exercise and a connection with our higher power. This is to help us to clear our minds and to connect to the divine. So why not. I bought new shoes and began this new change. I decided I want to walk with enthusiasm with my dogs and over time will get to where I can do out and hike on a trail. This is a group of photos from this ongoing adventure.

The guy who sold me the shoes was kind enough to pose for a photo opportunity for me. He is a great person. His parents owned a shoe store and he has always worked in a shoe store. It was interesting how happy he was to be a shoe salesman. We spoke about different types of shoes and I settled on a pair that are built for running. I am excited to get out and exercise more. Maybe I can add a walk around the track at work daily to my routine so that I am taking a little time for myself. I want to be healthy and walking is a good safe start I think.

Date night

Ok, so my husband said he isn’t sure if he wants the divorce. He keeps saying he wants to be just friends. So I waited and tried for months to be his friend and to give him space. It didn’t work. In the end he just wanted more space and said he still wasn’t sure if he wanted the divorce. I told him I give up. I feel like he isn’t going to try any more. That he just wants to see my flaws and that his need for space and friendship isn’t what I want.

I got to thinking about what I want. I am honestly not sure. At times I want my husband back. That is the most common feeling. I want us to be happy. But, we are no longer who we were back in the day. He doesn’t treat me like he used to, and I guess there is just too much history. So with him unwilling to give me a simple kiss with out a bunch of hoops to jump there are more and more times I think I want to date. I want to find a boyfriend and to let go and move on from my husband.

So I told him how unhappy I was in hope that this news would make him say how he did not want to lose me and that he would try harder to meet my needs and not have the relationship be all about his needs and wants. But, he didn’t; nope, he looked at me and said, “I set you free”. Then he planned a date of his own for a week from that day, and “accidental text” was sent to my phone to show me just how set free I am.

Thus, I am on a few sites talking to guys and getting ready to date. Oh, boy!

Day One, Step One, Hour One…. I can do this…

Hi, This is my first ever Blog and my first ever post. I am starting this Blog as a way to process my life. I am at a cross roads in many things. First I am in the middle of a possible divorce. I just started graduate school and my oldest son is about to go off to college. Over the next two years there is going to be a lot of change in my life and I wanted a place to store and reflect and share this with others who might be in similar situations.

I love to journal and to write in general. I used to to it as a way to get it all out. I used to do it just for fun. The point is I used to do it. Pre- marriage and becoming a mom. A lot of the how to self help books that deal with divorce suggest that a person go back to doing things that they loved away from their partner. Well, here I am doing this for me…. feels weird to do something just for me. Other mom’s I think may suffer from this. Single Dad’s too I suppose feel this way too so I do not leave you Dad’s out either. What I am trying to say is I have lived most of my adult life in service to another; be it a husband or child. This Blog is just for me. A place where I hope to discover the me who is not defined as either a mom or partner.

I am 38 years old and honestly have very little in the way of an idea as to who I am if you strip away my children and husband. I want to change that. I want to see who I am and to love me for me. The therapist seems to think that I need to do this as well. So step one, find something I like to do and do it. I have always wondered what it would be like to Blog. To put myself out there and connect with others who share my version of crazy, lol. So here I am world day one, step one, hour one…. let the journey begin!